My Straight Shame

A few moons ago, on the urging of the shimmering Will St. Leger I took it upon myself to delve into the twisted, murky, depraved depths of straightness. Yes, for a whole month, I renounced my quiet gay lifestyle and plunged into the life of a straight man for Will's Butcher Queers radio show.

I discovered many things, how addicted I was to moisturizer and the word 'steamer' and, disturbingly, my man bag. My eyes were opened more so by other people's views when I conducted a survey. Highlights of said responses will be listed at the end of the post.

BEFORE



Going off in a tangent, one thing I did was to look at the difference between lads mags such as Nuts and Zoo and girls/gays mags such as Heat. Surprisingly, if I was forced at nail file point, I'd plump for the former. Guys mags, in between the rubbery tits and non-muff, actually had mildly clever and interesting articles, product reviews that didn't use the words 'pinktastic' or measure the quality of albums with 'two lipsticks out of five'. The editors and contributors of Heat on the other hand should be keep behind barbed wire and deprived of their Malibu Bay Breeze for marching into the battle to leech people of their very minds, their baby pink glitter banners held high.

AFTER



Peruse below, if you will, the transcript of said radio interview, read in amusement as I turn from a foul mouthed club goer, if you have the audacity to call Copper Face Jacks a nightclub and not a circle of hell, into a nice lady in her mid fifties attached to her bag....

Will - Our next guest is Peter Dunne, who’s here in the studio, welcome, Peter.

Putrid - (Deep, rough voice) Thanks Will.

Oh my God, you’ve changed completely. We sent him out as part of a social experiment, we sent our little gay Peter out into the straight world to see how he’d get on. Peter, welcome back.

Thanks very much.

I love the look by the way, the Leinster top.

The Leinster top, yeah, I’ve been wearing the same boots since the 31st of December.

Wow.

Without changing them.

Without changing them, that’s a very straight thing to do.

Very.

Or is it, am I making an assumption by saying that?

Well, I think an awful lot of it is all assumption but, em, going to a certain nightclub the other night, it turns out that most of those assumptions are... frighteningly true.

So are we talking about Coppers here.

We are talking about Coppers, Will.



Tell us how that went.

Well, it was a bit of a... cesspit, to be honest, saying that though, I went with my boyfriend, who was my chaperon, and went in and the venue isn’t bad it’s kind of a nice venue, if there was another night there, like Mother, or Party Monster or something, you’d think it was brilliant and what stuck out to me was they had a big screen tv in the corner and they were showing that Kathy Bates film 'Dolores Claiborne' where she takes care of that old woman and the old woman pisses herself deliberately and I was thinking this is a brilliant venue, look at the things they’re showing on the walls! Then even when we went out to the smoking section they have this brilliant LED screen on the wall, really impressive, so I’m thinking this place is grand, or whatever. So, Donncha went off to get drinks and within two minutes a full on scrap, punching scrap, started right beside me! They were killing each other and then the best part was the bouncers came over, pulled them off each other and then let them all stay. (Laughs)

Really, they didn’t kick anyone out?

Kicked nobody out.

That wouldn’t happen in a gay club would it.

(STILL laughing) Totally not. Oh, and everywhere, they had these strategic mops and buckets hidden under things, just strategically.

You’re kidding.

Yep. And no one could dance.

They can’t dance?

Even the girls can’t dance. No one can dance.

What do the girls look like there?

They look like Girls Aloud would have looked like 10 years ago. Even though Girls aloud aren’t that old.

Wow.

They looked immaculate but there wasn’t a bit of originality about them, they just looked great. And the music, there was nothing that was played that wasn’t about 7 or 8 months old, like, em, The Ting Tings 'That’s Not My Name' and you know that 'Call On Me' song, that was the kind of music they were playing. Nothing new.

Oh.

The toilets had, (laughs), no locks, no toilet seats, so if you wanted to take a poo forget about it, but, em, the interesting thing was, with the graffiti on the toilets, no matter where you go, Will, gay bar, straight bar, everyone sucks cock. Totally.

They, they write..

I’ll suck your cock, ring this number to get your cock sucked, it seems like it’s a man thing rather than a sexuality thing.

Might go to Coppers now.

Yeah. (laughs)

What was, did they, was there cock graffiti?

Yes,(firmly), less spurting than usual.

Hairy balls?

No, they didn’t put as much effort into the balls, Will (Will laughs) I think it was about the instant gratification, not about the accessories.

That’s fantastic, I love it. What else did you get up to?

Well, the makeover, well, it has to be said, the one big thing about the makeover was – no man bag. You would not realise how that has been, apart from the whole lack of sex thing, the man bag has been the most difficult thing of all, like, where do you carry stuff? Everything...if it doesn’t fit in your pocket you can’t bring it.

What do you have in your man bag anyway?



Books, or like, little notes for yourself, if you're going to be doing anything during the day.

Books, what, like French drama? Petrarchan verse? Oscar Wilde? (Both laugh)

You know, things that are translated from the original Russian, Will, yeah.

That’s hilarious, I mean, what do you normally carry round, what’s an essential? Keys wallet, phone.

Em, books,all the time, have to have something to read, have to have something to write on, have to have something to write with, little things, that I, you know if you remember, you have to bring something to somebody or you have to collect something , you just need space, like all little reminders, lucky things, things like that. God, I sound like a girl. (Laughs) But that’s what I would carry. Now, just wallet, phone.

But since you’ve gone away from the man bag do you think you want to go back straight..

(Interrupts) Totally, I can’t wait. Even just for reading, instead of carrying a book under my arm I’d just go,'Oh I won’t read'.

Ok. You know, in having conversations, lets say, like, with your friends, I know you couldn’t go to any gay places.

Sure.

Stuff like that, did you find it frustrating not to be able to go out?

Yeeeah. Yes and no, well the money I saved was amazing, like even, we have a mutual friend Lisa, it was her birthday in Mother, and I couldn’t go to Mother so I just went to the after party.

Ok.

So things like that ,(interrupts self), even though the after party was brilliant.

Yes, amazing, it was a great after party. (laughs)

Fantastic.

It was...now, you didn’t break the rules because it was in a straight persons flat.

Exactly, and gays took over.

They did. Conor brought in a disco ball and a smoke machine and a light and they actually turned it into a disco in less than 10 seconds.

It was brilliant, but the room was kind of, so small that when you turned on the smoke machine, within 30 seconds everyone was choking.



Ah they were. We talked in the last show about peoples attitudes, let's say, towards what the difference is between gay and straight people. What did you find?

Well, what I actually did was like a Family Fortunes style thing. I honestly surveyed 100 people, Will, and compiled their answers and got the top 5 answers for, the question was, apart from the sexual aspect, apart from the sex, what would you say is the main difference between a gay man and a straight man? So they could be serious, they could be tongue in cheek and so I got a top 5!

Wow.

Would you like to hazard a guess, Will?

I’d love to have a go.

Ok, go on.

Great, so the number one... I’m gonna say... I’m aiming for the number one difference. Hmm, the number one difference between a gay man and a straight man, it’s gonna sound really shallow but I would say it’s the way they.. between the way they dress?

Well,that was number 2.

That’s not bad.

Grooming was number 2. Number 1, which I kind of thought was a little bit sad and it was an overwhelming number one by about 60 or 70 percent, was their relationships with women.

Oh.

And it was mainly women that said this, because I asked women, I asked straight men I asked gay men in the survey and women said that straight men don’t really listen to them and that they feel safer around gay men, that they can actually talk to a gay man without there being a fear of something underlying, like, sex will have to come out of this.

Oh.

Number 2 was grooming. Number 3 was emotions, that straight men don’t show their emotions as much, which is interesting, Number 4, which was a bit of a cliche – musicals. (laughs)

Just musicals?

That straight men don’t like musicals.

I’m trying to think now of a musical that a straight man would like...em..

Ju..em..no.(both laugh)

Cats?

Pussy, more like.

Pussy! That’s fantastic. What was Number 5?

And Number 5 was proving your masculinity.

What do they mean by that?

That straight men would be more aggressive, more competitive, that they have to fit into the role of a man, like what is a mans place? A man's place is to be in charge, a man's place is to be the breadwinner, the champion, the hunter gatherer kind of thing.

Wow. Well,thank you so much for doing this. I think we’re gonna have Peter again back on the show.

You better.


I repeat, he better. We close now with the aforementioned highlights of the survey. They go from the sublime to the ridiculous, I leave it to you to guess whether it was a woman or a man, a straight or a gay who said it. You'll probably guess correctly.



I really don't get most musicals, or Judy Garland, or fisting.

Gay men suffer a psychic rape on account of their sexuality at the hands of culture and society. Straight men suffer an obligation to marry and have children at the hands of culture and society. Gay men suffer a need to conform to this obligation.
Straight men suffer a need to be a bit more gay.

Unlike straight men, gay men don't believe every straight guy fancies them.

I think a wide knowledge of strangely named sex acts which make words like trombone hilarious.

Straight guys tend to look rather sheepish the next morning after sleeping with gay gays, I guess that would be the main difference.

I think that sometimes, like women, there is no shame in navigating between high and low art easily. Whereas straight men would find it difficult or would not want to negotiate a conversation that swung from the inanities of the 'Hills' to a Dennis Cooper short story, there are no boundaries in art or embarrassment in taking the flippant a little bit seriously for my male gay friends anyway but as I said this is just my opinion and I don't think it goes across the board for all gay males!

Obviously, its how much more comfortable straight women are with gay men than straight. A woman could let a complete strange gay man feel her boobs, kiss her, be completely in her personal space, but if a straight man did it...bye bye balls.

Gay men don't care what a clitoris is...bugger...do straight men care either?

Gay men dress better, smell better and generally take more pride in their appearance than a straight bloke and usually they understand us girlies more...pity they dont want a go of a vagina sometimes.

Straight men don't trim their arse hair.



PUTRID DUNNE

Films of 2011

All in all I've had a great year sitting in the dark. And sometimes I went to the pictures. I probably saw more films this year than any other and while there were a few films that were grand but I couldn't comprehend why people went crazy over them, like Hugo and Drive, there very few things I thought were absolute drivel, like The Guard,(THE GUARD - 'hurry up, I'm tumescent' for feck sake), or Battle Los Angeles ('Maybe I can help, I'm a veterinarian') it was surprisingly simple to pick out a top ten.

So I did.


10 Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes



I’m half scarlet and hugely surprised that this made the top 10 but honestly, it’s very good! Maybe I was influenced by bringing my pregnant friend Aoife who was convinced it would drive her unborn child feral. Forget Franco, no, seriously, lets forget him totally in 2012, it was all about Caesar the ape. The moment where he grabbed the stick from Draco Malfoy (if he didn’t want to be typecast he could at least have dyed his hair a less Slytherin shade) and shouted ‘No!’ really shook me and made me hope new baby Isla WOULD grow up to lead an army of monkeys across San Francisco. They’d be welcomed with open arms in the Castro.


9 Blue Valentine



I really didn't think I was going to like this, it just sounded like a mountain of pretentious wank and Michelle Williams always comes across as a pissy bitch in interviews. Well I had me mouth shut up, didn't I now.

It shows the meet up and break up of a couple and does a bang up job of showing both sides of the argument with your loyalties swinging from one to the other. Ryan Gosling, who manages to be really touching and annoying at the same time, is far better in this than in Drive, this was the one he should have got all the attention for. That Grizzly Bear song with the end credits is lovely. Speaking of credits, the bloody names coming up on the screen is the best thing about The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.


8 Black Swan



Ah, nutty Natalie. Did Black Swan live up to the huge expectation I had for it? Unfortunately not, it couldn’t possibly have. It didn’t even live up to the poster. What I DID love though is the fact that for a film that was a huge success, nominated for Best Picture and won Best Actress, it was as mad as a bag of cats. From Natalie doing the five knuckle shuffle unaware that her mother is dozing on the armchair beside her bed to Winona Ryder shrieking ‘You stole my things?!’ and stabbing herself with a in the face with a NAIL FILE!! Excitement. It also lead to a deluge of Halloween costumes and a Brown Thomas window. What’s the last film where a ballerina gets eaten out by a figment of her own imagination that managed that?


7 Tyrannosaur



As depressing as the Christmas episode of Eastenders , this Brit flick began with a drunk kicking his dog to death and went downhill from there. Although it largely consisted of nothing you hadn’t seen before, grey British streets, a psychotic Eddie Marsan and a drunken, dribbly, screaming Peter Mullen, it also had something you hadn’t seen before, a revelatory performance from Olivia Coleman as a battered wife. Previously written off (by myself) as a forgettable sitcom actress, she is heart breaking. There is one scene where she comforts her husband when he tearfully apologises for beating her, he hides his head in her lap and she strokes his head, telling him it’ll be ok while the life and soul visibly drain from her face.

It actually might have made it farther up my list but mortifyingly, I totally didn’t comprehend the revelation of a shocking act, until my friend Trish explained it to me 10 minutes later, I might as well have been watching a completely different film. It reminded me of the time me and my friend Cully brought my Mam and my slightly deaf aunt, Maro, to see The Sixth Sense and as we headed home I asked my aunt what she’d thought about the twist that Bruce Willis was dead all along. ‘He was DEAD?!’, she replied.


6 Bridesmaids



Take one woman in a wedding dress having a shit in the middle of the road, add Kristen Wiig having an argument with a teenager that ends with ‘Well, you’re just a little cunt’ and yet another woman taking a shit in a sink. Rinse and repeat. This was the long overdue moment when Wiig became a star and showed the charmless idiots from Hangover how it’s done.


5 Rabbit Hole



In the interests of transparency it should be admitted that any film starring Nicole Kidman is practically guaranteed a place in my year end top ten (ah she was funny in Just Go With It, shut up everyone). It must be said, anyone who boos this choice and gives her stick obviously hasn’t seen her work in Rabbit Hole. She is simply stunning as a mother dealing with the death of her young son who strikes up a bizarre relationship with the teenager who accidentally killed him. It is however the speech given by Dianne Wiest as her mother, the most insightful and honest description of grief I’ve ever heard , that rattled me.

True story - a friend actually had dinner with a member of the film’s production team who described Nicole as ‘Odd to the point of autism’. That made me love her even more!

4 Snowtown



At a certain point during this film, my friend Maeve had her hands over her eyes, her fingers stuck in her ears and was rocking in her seat. ‘Never tell me what happened in that bathroom’, she said afterwards. No, I didn’t have a tempest in a cubicle, it was actually a torture scene in this shocking true story about an Australian serial killer who moves in with a family and slowly begins to influence one of the sons.

There was such an amazing sense of place and time, every shot, prop and actor were totally convincing, you could really believe it was a window into this world instead of a screen and it was terrifying. It was so disturbing that of course my friends and I did impressions of the worst bits – ‘Turn to the side. Drop your underpants’. Gas craic we had.




3 The Fighter



This was brilliant. Big surprise. You’d think the sporty true story comeback kid thing was played out but between this and to a marginally lesser extent Warrior, just like the leading men there was still some life in the old fighter yet. While it was his co-stars who were nominated for awards, with Christian Bale and Melissa Leo winning Oscars for their trouble, it was Mark Wahlberg, in the least showy role who was the real standout, subtly grounding the film with a great little performance as a no rate boxer, with the most entertainingly awful family, who gets a shot at the top.

There were some great lines like ‘I heard she’s into threeways’-‘Yeah, like those MTV girls’ or ‘It’s not fuckin’ ladylike to be shoutin’ in the street’!’ or the part when Mark’s sister picks up for him against his mother and she says ‘What are you doing opening your mouth in my kitchen? You owe me $200. I don't want another word outta you’.

Ah they are great lines, shut up.


2 Super 8



Finally, the kids of today have their very own equivalent of The Goonies. This is a lovely little film. Although it runs out of steam towards the end, and the monster eventually disappoints, how can you dislike a movie that goes out of its’ way to entertain and try and recreate the wonder of those 80s classics? The kids are utterly brilliant, Joel Courtney is simply perfect in the lead and Elle Fanning reveals a level of depth and lack of precocity in her acting that makes Dakota’s dream of an Oscar seem like a mirage in the desert.


1 Take Shelter



If you simply can’t think of a present for the man who has everything, how about slowly picking apart his sanity and stability and family until he has nothing left? Then just get him a cd or something.

A creeping dread permeates every minute of this unsettling and original film. By the mid point I felt sick with the tension and the expectation for something that might actually never come. Michael Shannon gives the performance of the year as a man plagued by visions of a monstrous storm who slowly begins to prepare for it as his wife and friends look on in disbelief. The audience are also witness to his visions until we aren't sure of what is real and what is a dream. The highest compliment I can give it is that I’ve never seen anything like it.


From the sublime to the scutter - this was easily the worst thing I endured in 2011. While other films may have been crap, this one seemed to go out of its' way to offend. Ah, I'm raging even remembering it.

Sucker Punch



Holy lantern God, this film was disgraceful. So much for girl power, it should have been called Attack Of The Crying Baby Prostitutes. Basically, a dozy young one shoots her sister instead of the step father molesting them, is sent to a madhouse for sexy women, which must have been roasting because they all walk around nearly in their nip. In order to figure out how to escape with her gang of fellow simpletons, she has to hypnotize dirty men with a sexy dance and IMAGINE she's any use at anything by chopping up dragons.

All the lead group of young ones end up crying at some point, their plan is foiled when the bad fella turns the blackboard they've written their secret plan on AROUND and reads it. Then they just stand there and get shot. Oh, and a lobotomy. All the while changing in and out of costumes that would look over the top at a Thai ladyboy extravaganza with the front of their heads almost tipping them over with the weight of the make up trowelled on to them.

I've made this sound great. But it's not. It is utterly rotten. There's not a shred of it that's slightly well made, exciting or intentionally amusing. I was absolutely raging leaving the cinema.

I actually wouldn't mind watching it again right now.

PUTRID DUNNE

MORB 4

'There is really nothing I can say except that I never want to think or speak about that movie again.'

How far is too far? Over the course of Morb, people have obviously differed with their limits, some finding hilarious what others found traumatising. I think with Morb 4, everybody was pretty much in the same boat.

'Not only was the line crossed tonight, it was beaten, decapitated, raped and murdered.'



Some people had felt Morb 3 was a little too light, gory and gruesome but too fun. I'll show THEM, I said to myself. I really, really, don't know what I was thinking. The film in question takes a while to get going but then is just relentless. I'd watched it myself at home for quality control and while it was pretty disturbing, it was manageable. To be honest, because of its reputation, I was actually a little disappointed. But then, in the venue, on a big screen, with pounding music and a horrified audience, it became a different beast altogether.

'To say that it was one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen does not nearly go far enough. The whole setting and atmosphere made it the most affecting and powerful movie experience I have ever had.'

Sitting in the middle of the group, seeing and feeling reactions and suddenly remembering what was going to happen at the end of the scene we were watching, I started to PUMP sweat. The wave of shock and guilt that washed over me was overwhelming. Looking at people's horrified reactions, tears in some cases, hands that wouldn't come away from covering their faces, people literally squirming in their seats, faces directed at the floor instead of the screen, it was pretty horrifying. What was worse was knowing the film was only getting started and there was a good hour left of sheer depravity.



'At my first experience at Morb the group made their way at dusk to a space off a northside alley. Everything in the room was painted in white. I was very eager to see the picture but I soon found myself sitting through one of the most horrendous things I have ever or would ever want to see. Every time I considered leaving I told myself I could maybe stay because it couldn't get any worse, but it continually became increasingly sickening with every scene. For weeks after attending Morb I felt as if my heart had been replaced by an ice cold tin of coke - which had been shaken up and was on the constant verge of exploding. I was despondent and irritable to friends and co-workers. I don't think I have been able to get a proper night's sleep since seeing the film. I think that Peter Dunne should arrested or at least ostracized by society. Maybe he could be shipped to Siberia, or Serbia even. I will definitely be at the next one.'

This time around, the venue was THESHED, a truly perfect setting, the room filled with furniture and objects all painted white, the ceiling partially glass, looking up you see streetlights reflected across the roof. Walking to the venue and taking that sudden turn into the lane shook a few people. I couldn't have asked to work with lovelier, more helpful people than McBett and the people at the space and I sincerely hope I haven't traumatised them.

http://mcbett.net/?page_id=72



'I don't want to see, hear, or think about Morb or what it stands for ever again! By far the most disturbing film I have every seen - perhaps because I have a child but I didn't think people could think up shit like that let alone script it, find actors, film it and then put it about for public viewing - I guess we have you to find these things and share with us!'

As soon as the film ended, I didn't have the usual rush of pride or excitement, I sat there a little numbed wondering what had I just done. I received a few shocked looks and some people almost fled the room.



'I actually cried from thinking about it the night after watching, not on the night as I guess I was still in shock. I could only just about mention the name of the film we were subjected to before clamming up and not uttering a word about it unless it was to someone who had watched it, but none of them really want to talk about it for fear of dredging up the memory.'

'Nightmares alllll night.'

'Thanks for the movie last night,Peter, mentally scarred for life.'

Afterwards some of us went for a much needed drink which definitely helped to break the tension and the group began to laugh a little about the experience. Had I managed to warp them a little? I hope so!

'We all look visibly shaken - like we've just been through a traumatic incident, like a plane crash - but we've all survived and now share a cautiously happy camaraderie.'



In the long run, well actually, about an hour afterwards, I was glad I did it. It was pretty wild at times but there was a real feeling of being at the heart of something big, a true horror film. The audience who were there will probably be among the only people in this country to see that film in its entirety on a big screen, with other people around them. It was taking something dirty and nasty and evil and secret and throwing it onto a screen for a very rare shared experience. Morb, basically.

'That was tough going and I feel emotionally fucked...but I actually thought it was a really good film strangely. It was more realistic and disturbing than the other Morb films and had much more effect.'

'Whoa. I tell ya, it's a braver man that's picking these films! A chilling choice and watching the audience was a fascinating way to look at the range of reactions people have to true horror.'

No one who was there, especially me, will forget it any time soon. I really believe when the film is mentioned in the future, people will look back and give a little inward shudder and always remember where they were when they had seen it or else give a fond giggle at the memory (if they have been as warped as I hope).





'I can still remember each venue for its' distinctly unique atmosphere and of course the unsettling film that accompanied it. Morb's movies are not the kind I would naturally seek out but the experience overall makes it one of a kind. Thanks Morb... I think.'

Oh, and what was the movie? Wouldn't you like to know.

PUTRID DUNNE

Gimme Morb

Aloha kiddies. As you may or may not know, Morb was featured in March's Hot Press magazine. For those of you who didn't get to read the article by the lovely Maeve Heslin, who came up with such wonderful words to describe Morb's parade of slop, for your perusal I enclose -



'A mysterious new underground event has emerged in Dublin, whereby a small, select group of people are brought to an undisclosed location and shown an extremely violent horror movie. Sound like fun? Read on - 'We are so jaded, what could possibly affect us? Morb attempts to provide the answer.' So says Peter Dunne, the creator of the newest and most unsettling (that's a compliment)project in the city. But what inspired this committed film fan to take the next step and start showcasing obscure and violent horror late at night?

'Last year I saw a documentary about the birth of the Midnight Movie in the '70s,' Dunne explains. 'Cinema owners began to show really over the top, subversive and shocking films, like El Topo and Pink Flamingos. I was so jealous of those audiences, of that feeling of watching something new, underground, and a bit illicit. Morb was my attempt to provide that, mainly for myself, but also for an audience.'



Since November last year, Dunne has held three Morb screenings, opting first to show Pascal Laugier's 2008 bloodbath Martyrs (not, I repeat, NOT for the faint hearted). Then Inside (Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo, 2007), and finally Braindead, a 1992 New Zealand zombie horror directed by Peter Jackson (yep - he of the hobbits). Though all are extremely violent, Dunne maintains that Morb is not merely about screening a film - it's a far bigger experience than that. I have to agree. For the first Morb outing, a small group - your humble reporter included - were sent a cryptic e-mail, asking us to meet in a city centre pub, one cold November eve. From there we were led (phones switched off) to an empty art studio. In the dark, Dunne led us up a winding staircase to a sterile white room, and instructed us to sit. A brief introduction followed, and then - the film began. An exploration of human endurance, Martyrs features extreme acts of torture; its female protagonist is the victim of a sadistic group intrigued by the concept of martyrdom and the afterlife.



And although that night's Morb was certainly not limited to the graphic images we were shown, I still maintain I am permanently scarred after witnessing that nice French lady being skinned alive. I have to ask - why did Martyrs and Inside appeal to Dunne? Is he trying to relay any particular message? About misogyny perhaps?

'Not necessarily',he responds. 'I knew the films contained violence against women, but they weren't selected because of that. It would be very easy to label these films as misogynistic, but I don't believe they are. Horror films have traditionally sided with the female - the 'final girl' and so on. These films are upfront in their violence, there's nothing underlying.What I find really shocking are romantic comedies like The Ugly Truth or Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which are aimed at a female audience, yet in my opinion, seem to hate women. The fact that their misogyny slips under the radar and is considered acceptable, worries me more.'



He might have a point there: the next Kate Hudson rom-com probably won't see her beaten to a pulp and/or de-skinned, but - chances are - she'll play a 'quirky', career-obsessed loon who just can't find Mr. Right. Graphic violence aside though, there are other factors at play which work to make Morb so unique. dunne utilises the space of the city, incorporating dark streets and alleyways into an experience which aims to unsettle and isolate. How important is Dublin to Morb?


'Very!', he asserts. 'Dublin is perfect, because although it's a relatively small city, and people find it very comfortable and familiar, there's such a variety of little spaces off the beaten track. Dark lanes, empty buildings - just one turn can take you somewhere totally alien. Everyone who has attended a screening says the location has made just as much of an impact at the film'.



Alienation is key then. Freud claimed it's in our human nature to try and familiarise the unfamiliar, the 'uncanny'. Morb's venues are very much at odds with the conventional cinematic experience. No comfy loungers, no popcorn - instead, a hushed, tense, almost uncomfortable atmosphere prevailed in this downright clinical location. Why does Dunne want to take people out of their familiar comfort zones?'Nowadays, we've seen it all', he says. 'In order to get that shock factor,I had to fiddle around with the way the film is experienced. People meet in a pre-arranged location, they have no clue where they'll be led, they don't know about the film they'll be shown. There's that initial rush of excitement, but talking to audiences later, a slow feeling of dread always creeps in. They realise they're totally powerless against what they're about to experience. By the time the film begins, they've built themselves into such a state of nervous tension, almost anything will be frightening.'

Agreed - such was the atmosphere that first night, an episode of Care Bears would probably have had us all cowering behind our chairs. So what does the future hold for Morb?



'I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing!' Dunne confirms. 'It will always remain underground, there's a limit of 45 people, it won't ever become bigger, or that sense of secrecy and 'specialness' will disappear. I set up Morb because of a deep love of cinema, and sitting in the front and turning in my seat just as an especially 'out-there' moment occurs, to look at the faces of the audience members, is total magic. This is a dream'.


PUTRID DUNNE

Morb 3

'A Technicolour Kiwi Nightmare, I'm too afraid to emigrate now... thanks Morb.'

The best jokes are the sickest jokes. Pretend to disapprove all you want when the 'unfortunate' baby is dressed in a clown suit or something really inventive happens with Pinocchio's expanding nose but there is nothing better than knowing you really shouldn't be laughing at something but just can't help it. The thrill mixed in with the shock. The release of a tension breaking joke at a funeral.





Well, it wasn't Morb's funeral, it was its' third little picnic with bloodstained blankets and something rotten in the tupperware. As per, the select few were blindly led to a secret location (in this case, the lovely La Catedral Studios off Thomas St), frogmarched up the towering staircase and led through the corridors to the dark cavernous attic space lit only by the flickering, projected square of light.


'Having been to the first, highly unsettling but well worth it Morb, I was expecting more of the same. I was wrong! It was a completely different experience this time around. To begin with the attendees had doubled, which leads me to the conclusion that word is spreading. Secondly the venue was more comfortable and had a totally different ambiance. Finally the film it-self, whilst still horror, was a totally different sub-genre of horror, a kind of zom-com as Peter called it, was shows just how broad and varied the horror genre is.
What surprised me the most as I mentioned above was just how many people had turned up. There is obviously a gap in the market for this kind of event and I for one am glad to say I am a part of it. When you come home from morb, you feel as if you've achieved something along with having had a social outing (minus the falling home drunk at all hours). It really is the perfect mid-week escapism, albeit escapism into a world of blood, gore and creepy but hilarious zombie babies!!!! Long live the zombabies.'



One thing Morb is not is a one-trick pony. Yes, this pony may be pus filled, it may be short a leg and only have the strength to carry a half stuffed puke stained teddybear but it doesn't repeat itself. How to top the last witnessed atrocity? Must each film be successively more vicious and disturbing that eventually it must culminate in the actual death of an attendee to satisfy the now warped regulars?

I hope so!

I digress. Yes, people got their violence, their gore, their over the top disturbing sights but they got to do something else as well - laugh. When something is so extreme, when slime, gore, brains and vats and vats of blood flood the screen to such a scale, it actually becomes charming. Well to me anyway.

'Morb is revolting. In my favourite way.
It lends itself to the suspense and mystery of the horrific by being characteristically secretive as an entire experience.
It seduces my own attraction with the terrifying and unknown by tempting me with a lack of information. It plays with my curiosity. It's playing with me. And I like it. Being mindfucked has never been so appealing, especially within a group setting of fellow mindfuckers. I BELONG!'

Ok then, not just me.



'I've always had an unhealthy interest in lawnmower genocide. Seeing Braindead at Morb has given me the confidence to live the dream. I've bought a flymo now and there's no going back.'

All this talk of lawnmowers and zombabies, have you guessed what the film is yet? Maybe, the quote above actually naming the film, does that help?
Yes, Braindead, a wonderfully slimy addition to the Morb family. A constant stream of invention and constant streams of lumpier stuff too.


'LOVED the venue. I felt like puking for the first half and gauging my eyes out for the second. I'm off out the garage to check the lawnmower is working.'



Watching such lighthearted gorefests like Braindead fulfills different objectives, we get our gore and violence kick in a lighthearted manner which helps to desensitise us a teeny bit for the next Morb.
Or does it?

'What a treat to be able to step into a night of secrecy and suspense, escape from the mid-week mundane and revel in the excitement of Morb. I also can't stop talking about it, and am making people jealous.'

All in all, another enjoyable stroll in the fog but this time around The Ripper gave you a little tickle before he slit your throat. People had good laugh and also looked forward to Morb's return to it's dark roots.

But nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared anyone for Morb 4.

Including me.


PUTRID DUNNE

MORB 2

'I’ve buried all the scissors in the house under the patio and I advise you to do the same.'

In order to evolve does something have to get bigger or can it become more secret, hide in darker places? Must it build up its’ resistance to old plagues and diseases or decide to become even sicker? There are a group of people who know.

'Please sir, can I have some Morb? Morb provides an outlet for those who would rather not be served cinematic experiences like slops of porridge.'

January 12th begat Morb 2.




The second round of attendees met in a bar on our busy, well lit main street, by now they knew the rules. Secret location, secret film, no phones, no backing out. Be there on time or be left behind. After the greetings and pleasantries the little parade set off in high spirits. The giggling subsided when a sudden turn led them out of the light and into a long dark silent alley, almost a different world, the only illumination - a bulb over a door in the distance.

'Hey, I had a great time and after an extensive interview with questions only he could answer, I eventually opened the front door to my brother.'




The group made their way up a flight of stairs into a room like a secret attic, with sloping ceilings and rain pattering on windows. The wonderful Erin Michelle lay in wait, watching in the darkness, fingers on the controls. Nervously excited people hurriedly took their chairs and benches, arranged around the one source of light – the screen. The pristine white screen on to which the projector flashed up gouts of blood and body matter.

'A superb location added to the suspense and experience, I was already on edge as the movie was starting. Great choice, I'd never heard of it but I don't think I'll forget it anytime soon. Not for the faint hearted or light headed, the film was brimming with everything a good horror thriller could have, and then some. I agree with our host, you could watch the movie in people's expressions and reactions of which there were many.
Roll on number three, thanks a million, you're doing more than just showing films, I'm loving it.'




Half the fun of being the Morb host is looking away from the screen at the worst moments to the faces of the viewers, lit up by the carnage. There are slight moments of guilt.
As only I know what the film will be in advance, in a way you are subjecting people to something they wouldn’t necessarily be comfortable with or are unused to. Could this scar them in any way?

'I was up all night with stomach cramps – I’m blaming you and your torture porn.'

'My own reflection in a window just caused a minor cardiac event.'

'I just nearly shit myself cause I saw my own shadow in my kitchen. Thanks.'

No, I don’t think so. Even if so, consider this a vaccine for Morb 3. What did the needle contain?




'Not looking forward to going to sleep tonight after another sitting of Peter Dunne's Morb. French film called 'Inside', not for the fainthearted.'

Morb 3 will continue to walk down this dark little path through the trees, around the blind corners. What will be waiting? We’ll see when we get there.

It will not be a large event, after all, the best things happen in secret. If people are brave and hearty and interested, they know who to contact.

'Wonder is there any chance of getting him to go on a 'sick fuck' diet for the next Morb.'




PUTRID DUNNE

Films Of 2010

It's been a pretty ghastly year for film. In Ireland we've yet to see dreamy gems like Rabbit Hole or Black Swan but have been subject to such cinematic abortions as A Nightmare On Elm Street, gilded turds such as Alice In Wonderland, neon heaps of illuminous shite such as Tron, soul breaking disappointments such as Wolf Man and over-hyped studio money machines such as Inception and Social Network, which weren't particularly bad films but CALM DOWN everybody.

Most times leaving the cinema I've had a sour puss on my face but there have been a few beauts, like those that almost scraped the list, such as A Prophet, I Am Love, Crazy Heart and Despicable Me; not perfect but entertaining.

Filtering the sludge out, here are my top ten of 2010.

10 The Kids Are Alright




This film just about scrapes in because of the amazing Annette Bening. She is heartbreakingly good, especially in the dinner party scene where she begins to figure everything out. What lets it down is the uber annoying Mia Wasikowska, who was DYING for a kick up the hole for most of the movie. I also didn't like the way the film presents what is supposedly a well adjusted family with gay parents and then shows just how easily it can be torn apart, proving the point of those anti-gay naysayers under the pretense of being pro. But still, Annette Bening - nuff said.

9 Please Give




A little diamond that slipped under most people's radar. Exceptionally well written and well performed by the entire cast. If this had been directed by someone like Spielberg, Ann Morgan Guilbert who played the grandmother, would be up for an Oscar.

8 Shutter Island




Fuck Inception, THIS is how people dream. The mixed up, overlapping, intoxicating things Di Caprio sees in his sleep are the work of a genius. Who dreams of fully functioning office blocks and perfectly laid out streets? Drab Christopher Nolan it seems. Maybe the twist was painfully obvious about 2 minutes in but what a star studded, swirling journey.

7 I Love You Phillip Morris




The bravest film of the year. Never have I seen a mainstream film that didn't shy away from showing a true albeit twisted gay relationship. Jim Carrey was astounding and Ewan McGregor convincingly loveable. Better than that though is the fact the film is genuinely funny, the evolution of the joke Carrey tells as it passes from person to person is CLEVER. Why should this film be celebrated? Why is it such a big step? Take a look at the message boards on IMDB and take a look at the dreadful box office in the states and see how far the gay rights movement has come in some quarters. Props from me to the folk involved as they won't get many.

6 Piranha




Gas craic. The most fun I had in the cinema all year. Puerile, juvenile, terribly written but that's the point. It's a total throwback to 80s gore fests and it works. You haven't seen anything until you've seen a CGI fish spit out a severed penis IN 3D! 'Ass to the glass' became the catchphrase of the month.

5 Ghost Writer



Complete return to form from Polanski. With this film you can feel it's the man who directed Rosemary's Baby and Chinatown behind it. A slow burning, insidiously creeping nightmare. The cast all play blinders and the invisible directing worked a wonder.

4 Let Me In




This might be the most controversial choice on the list, even more so when I say I vastly preferred it to the original. With the Danish version, I knew there was something original and fresh and subversive going on but always felt it wasn't quite there. Something was missing. I was disappointed. Even though at times this is a shot for shot remake, this time round it filled the cracks. The father/daughter relationship is better thought out, better performed. The reasoning behind the vampire's seduction of the little boy is far more disturbing and creepy. It jettisoned the infamous 'cat scene' and the group of drunks and replaced it with a far more satisfying 'Rear Window' style attack of the neighbours. It has that AMAZING car crash viewed from the back seat and the clever 'Snoopy' way of never showing the adults faces, making Owen's loneliness more tangible. Most of all though, the children are superb, especially Kodi Smit McPhee, far far better than Kare Hedebrant who I thought was a slightly wooden original protagonist.

3 Winters Bone



Watching this at a pre-release press screening weeks before the hype began it really felt like being witness to the birth of something special. Disturbing, creepy and convincing, original and brave, the film is a wow. The actors are true and real. See it.

2 Toy Story 3




What can be said about Toy Story that hasn't been said? The film is a wonder. It totally needs to be Best Film above things like Inception or Social Network. The non stop parade of ideas, the heart, the sheer joy and wonder it inspires can't be surpassed. As for Big Baby, my personal favourite character, he/she is the cleverest combination of heartbreaking and frightening and hilarious. It's a rarity, a blockbuster that completely deserves the success and hype.

1 Another Year




This wasn't hard. I forgot I was watching a film and really felt like I was in someone's house watching their lives. Afterwards, things about the film came back to me and made me think of it in another light, actually making me so angry with fictional characters, I was raging I couldn't phone them up and give them a piece of my mind. If there was any justice, which we all know there isn't, Mike Leigh would walk home with an Oscar, after hitting David Fincher over the head with it. Lesley Manville should be joining him, giving hands down the greatest performance to hit the screen in the last 5 years. Stunning.

There we are, a sucky year with some true gems, but 2011 seems to promise to be truly exciting so far. Fingers crossed we get some hot ballet psychosis and Nicole Kidman's newly moving forehead soon and they live up to the impossible, wet-the-bed expectation this particular weirdo has for them.



Bon voyage 2010!




PUTRID DUNNE