Confessions Of A Nerd

Back when I was still pink of heart, young and illusioned, me and my friend Cully somehow managed to blag our way onto the list of press interviewers for a one on one, or two on two, with the stars of the film Disco Pigs. Quite a feat considering we didn't actually have a paper or site to review for.

Needless to say the whole thing was a farce from start to finish. Gorging myself on the free biscuits beforehand, I started to choke on a chunk JUST as we were called in, spending the next 10 minutes coughing and spluttering and sweating profusely while slyly bending right over while turning the pages of my empty notebook in order to use their wordless pages to swipe my streaming forehead.
I even managed to ask 4 questions about Nicole Kidman, who had nothing to do with the film, in that limited amount of time.

Cully said the most memorable part was when listening back to the dictaphone tape afterwards you could clearly hear us thanking the stars, saying our goodbyes, us leaving and the door closing only for it to open again, seconds later, to the sounds of my shrill voice saying; 'Eh, it'd be handy if you brought the dictaphone with you, ye sap', as Cully oafed his way back to the table.

What stuck with me though was how impressive Cully was; complimenting the stars' performances, the director's choices, the whole look of the piece. I thought this was marvellous as not only had Cully not seen the film, he didn't even know what it was about. Stunning work.

This old event got me thinking about those films I can waffle on about and know all the ins and outs of when not only have I not seen them but am adamant I never will. Why?

Because the thoughts of them TERRIFY me.

Let's have a mini rundown!!!!!!


HUMAN CENTIPEDE



Oh Jesus Christ, the Human Centipede.

Basically a mad scientist decides to kidnap 3 people, cut the nerves in their legs so they can only crawl and then sew the 3 lucky ducks together in a line. Mouth to ass.

Yum.

When I read about this charming nugget not only could I not eat, or poo without dry heaving, but for some reason I was convinced I had curry under my fingernails for 3 days.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever but this stinker will deffo haunt me for infinity plus one.


SALO, OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM



The best movie review I ever read, apart from the genius who described The Phantom Menace as 'a rancid wedding cake of a film', was for some low budget horror that said 'this film was shot in South Africa, by people who should have been shot in South Africa'. Brilliant!

Anyway, we're wandering now but suffice to say the creators of these probable Christmas dvd pressies to be, may be walking on the dark side to think up these horrors and may unfortunately pay the price, as the director of this movie ; Pier Paolo Passolini, was actually repeatedly run over by his own car with a crazed teenage rent boy at the wheel.

In Salo, a group of upper class fascists kidnap some innocent young men and women and force them to recreate the Marquis De Sades' 120 Days of Sodom. Now the naked wedding, torture and degradation I can hack, I was raised in Ballyfermot, but the FORCED POOP FEAST....well that just makes me weak.

I'm noticing a trend....




And finally for now

PICTURE PERFECT



Horrifying.

The worst thing is I actually OWN this sludge. My lovely aunty gave it to me 3 Christmas' ago. I don't even want to think of how she sees me if she thought this was appropriate.

Jennifer Aniston, in this case, and Will Smith among others, (Adam Sandler I wish you went to shoot a film in South Africa) should hang their heads in SHAME for the DRECK they've soiled this blessed earth with. Monsters all. Do they have NO morals? The GACK they spew into lovely picture houses. Why do audiences ACCEPT being talked down to, told 'this garbage is all you are worth' and take it !?! Repeatedly! DEMAND good films, don't pour your money into the eternal bucket of vacuous ineptitude!

These type of films make me furious, the makers don't even try. Every honest or interesting emotion or event are bleached down to clear white fluff.

God forbid I ever decide to sit down and watch this, because the real fear, the true fear, the DREAD, worse than the other two combined, is that I might actually enjoy it.

Yay! Longest blog ever over, although I enjoyed it, so you may be subjected to more of the list at a later date.

Happy kisses!!!




PUTRID DUNNE