I discovered many things, how addicted I was to moisturizer and the word 'steamer' and, disturbingly, my man bag. My eyes were opened more so by other people's views when I conducted a survey. Highlights of said responses will be listed at the end of the post.
BEFORE
Going off in a tangent, one thing I did was to look at the difference between lads mags such as Nuts and Zoo and girls/gays mags such as Heat. Surprisingly, if I was forced at nail file point, I'd plump for the former. Guys mags, in between the rubbery tits and non-muff, actually had mildly clever and interesting articles, product reviews that didn't use the words 'pinktastic' or measure the quality of albums with 'two lipsticks out of five'. The editors and contributors of Heat on the other hand should be keep behind barbed wire and deprived of their Malibu Bay Breeze for marching into the battle to leech people of their very minds, their baby pink glitter banners held high.
AFTER
Peruse below, if you will, the transcript of said radio interview, read in amusement as I turn from a foul mouthed club goer, if you have the audacity to call Copper Face Jacks a nightclub and not a circle of hell, into a nice lady in her mid fifties attached to her bag....
Will - Our next guest is Peter Dunne, who’s here in the studio, welcome, Peter.
Putrid - (Deep, rough voice) Thanks Will.
Oh my God, you’ve changed completely. We sent him out as part of a social experiment, we sent our little gay Peter out into the straight world to see how he’d get on. Peter, welcome back.
Thanks very much.
I love the look by the way, the Leinster top.
The Leinster top, yeah, I’ve been wearing the same boots since the 31st of December.
Wow.
Without changing them.
Without changing them, that’s a very straight thing to do.
Very.
Or is it, am I making an assumption by saying that?
Well, I think an awful lot of it is all assumption but, em, going to a certain nightclub the other night, it turns out that most of those assumptions are... frighteningly true.
So are we talking about Coppers here.
We are talking about Coppers, Will.
Tell us how that went.
Well, it was a bit of a... cesspit, to be honest, saying that though, I went with my boyfriend, who was my chaperon, and went in and the venue isn’t bad it’s kind of a nice venue, if there was another night there, like Mother, or Party Monster or something, you’d think it was brilliant and what stuck out to me was they had a big screen tv in the corner and they were showing that Kathy Bates film 'Dolores Claiborne' where she takes care of that old woman and the old woman pisses herself deliberately and I was thinking this is a brilliant venue, look at the things they’re showing on the walls! Then even when we went out to the smoking section they have this brilliant LED screen on the wall, really impressive, so I’m thinking this place is grand, or whatever. So, Donncha went off to get drinks and within two minutes a full on scrap, punching scrap, started right beside me! They were killing each other and then the best part was the bouncers came over, pulled them off each other and then let them all stay. (Laughs)
Really, they didn’t kick anyone out?
Kicked nobody out.
That wouldn’t happen in a gay club would it.
(STILL laughing) Totally not. Oh, and everywhere, they had these strategic mops and buckets hidden under things, just strategically.
You’re kidding.
Yep. And no one could dance.
They can’t dance?
Even the girls can’t dance. No one can dance.
What do the girls look like there?
They look like Girls Aloud would have looked like 10 years ago. Even though Girls aloud aren’t that old.
Wow.
They looked immaculate but there wasn’t a bit of originality about them, they just looked great. And the music, there was nothing that was played that wasn’t about 7 or 8 months old, like, em, The Ting Tings 'That’s Not My Name' and you know that 'Call On Me' song, that was the kind of music they were playing. Nothing new.
Oh.
The toilets had, (laughs), no locks, no toilet seats, so if you wanted to take a poo forget about it, but, em, the interesting thing was, with the graffiti on the toilets, no matter where you go, Will, gay bar, straight bar, everyone sucks cock. Totally.
They, they write..
I’ll suck your cock, ring this number to get your cock sucked, it seems like it’s a man thing rather than a sexuality thing.
Might go to Coppers now.
Yeah. (laughs)
What was, did they, was there cock graffiti?
Yes,(firmly), less spurting than usual.
Hairy balls?
No, they didn’t put as much effort into the balls, Will (Will laughs) I think it was about the instant gratification, not about the accessories.
That’s fantastic, I love it. What else did you get up to?
Well, the makeover, well, it has to be said, the one big thing about the makeover was – no man bag. You would not realise how that has been, apart from the whole lack of sex thing, the man bag has been the most difficult thing of all, like, where do you carry stuff? Everything...if it doesn’t fit in your pocket you can’t bring it.
What do you have in your man bag anyway?
Books, or like, little notes for yourself, if you're going to be doing anything during the day.
Books, what, like French drama? Petrarchan verse? Oscar Wilde? (Both laugh)
You know, things that are translated from the original Russian, Will, yeah.
That’s hilarious, I mean, what do you normally carry round, what’s an essential? Keys wallet, phone.
Em, books,all the time, have to have something to read, have to have something to write on, have to have something to write with, little things, that I, you know if you remember, you have to bring something to somebody or you have to collect something , you just need space, like all little reminders, lucky things, things like that. God, I sound like a girl. (Laughs) But that’s what I would carry. Now, just wallet, phone.
But since you’ve gone away from the man bag do you think you want to go back straight..
(Interrupts) Totally, I can’t wait. Even just for reading, instead of carrying a book under my arm I’d just go,'Oh I won’t read'.
Ok. You know, in having conversations, lets say, like, with your friends, I know you couldn’t go to any gay places.
Sure.
Stuff like that, did you find it frustrating not to be able to go out?
Yeeeah. Yes and no, well the money I saved was amazing, like even, we have a mutual friend Lisa, it was her birthday in Mother, and I couldn’t go to Mother so I just went to the after party.
Ok.
So things like that ,(interrupts self), even though the after party was brilliant.
Yes, amazing, it was a great after party. (laughs)
Fantastic.
It was...now, you didn’t break the rules because it was in a straight persons flat.
Exactly, and gays took over.
They did. Conor brought in a disco ball and a smoke machine and a light and they actually turned it into a disco in less than 10 seconds.
It was brilliant, but the room was kind of, so small that when you turned on the smoke machine, within 30 seconds everyone was choking.
Ah they were. We talked in the last show about peoples attitudes, let's say, towards what the difference is between gay and straight people. What did you find?
Well, what I actually did was like a Family Fortunes style thing. I honestly surveyed 100 people, Will, and compiled their answers and got the top 5 answers for, the question was, apart from the sexual aspect, apart from the sex, what would you say is the main difference between a gay man and a straight man? So they could be serious, they could be tongue in cheek and so I got a top 5!
Wow.
Would you like to hazard a guess, Will?
I’d love to have a go.
Ok, go on.
Great, so the number one... I’m gonna say... I’m aiming for the number one difference. Hmm, the number one difference between a gay man and a straight man, it’s gonna sound really shallow but I would say it’s the way they.. between the way they dress?
Well,that was number 2.
That’s not bad.
Grooming was number 2. Number 1, which I kind of thought was a little bit sad and it was an overwhelming number one by about 60 or 70 percent, was their relationships with women.
Oh.
And it was mainly women that said this, because I asked women, I asked straight men I asked gay men in the survey and women said that straight men don’t really listen to them and that they feel safer around gay men, that they can actually talk to a gay man without there being a fear of something underlying, like, sex will have to come out of this.
Oh.
Number 2 was grooming. Number 3 was emotions, that straight men don’t show their emotions as much, which is interesting, Number 4, which was a bit of a cliche – musicals. (laughs)
Just musicals?
That straight men don’t like musicals.
I’m trying to think now of a musical that a straight man would like...em..
Ju..em..no.(both laugh)
Cats?
Pussy, more like.
Pussy! That’s fantastic. What was Number 5?
And Number 5 was proving your masculinity.
What do they mean by that?
That straight men would be more aggressive, more competitive, that they have to fit into the role of a man, like what is a mans place? A man's place is to be in charge, a man's place is to be the breadwinner, the champion, the hunter gatherer kind of thing.
Wow. Well,thank you so much for doing this. I think we’re gonna have Peter again back on the show.
You better.
I repeat, he better. We close now with the aforementioned highlights of the survey. They go from the sublime to the ridiculous, I leave it to you to guess whether it was a woman or a man, a straight or a gay who said it. You'll probably guess correctly.
I really don't get most musicals, or Judy Garland, or fisting.
Gay men suffer a psychic rape on account of their sexuality at the hands of culture and society. Straight men suffer an obligation to marry and have children at the hands of culture and society. Gay men suffer a need to conform to this obligation.
Straight men suffer a need to be a bit more gay.
Unlike straight men, gay men don't believe every straight guy fancies them.
I think a wide knowledge of strangely named sex acts which make words like trombone hilarious.
Straight guys tend to look rather sheepish the next morning after sleeping with gay gays, I guess that would be the main difference.
I think that sometimes, like women, there is no shame in navigating between high and low art easily. Whereas straight men would find it difficult or would not want to negotiate a conversation that swung from the inanities of the 'Hills' to a Dennis Cooper short story, there are no boundaries in art or embarrassment in taking the flippant a little bit seriously for my male gay friends anyway but as I said this is just my opinion and I don't think it goes across the board for all gay males!
Obviously, its how much more comfortable straight women are with gay men than straight. A woman could let a complete strange gay man feel her boobs, kiss her, be completely in her personal space, but if a straight man did it...bye bye balls.
Gay men don't care what a clitoris is...bugger...do straight men care either?
Gay men dress better, smell better and generally take more pride in their appearance than a straight bloke and usually they understand us girlies more...pity they dont want a go of a vagina sometimes.
Straight men don't trim their arse hair.
PUTRID DUNNE
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